Myself

I am a rather simple composition of life. I eat, I sleep, I breath, I do homework, I go to school, I love, and I hate. I feel many feelings, which I do not understand and I create emotions, which I do understand. I am a complex individual like most, but I am hated for what I love myself for.

People make life complex, well at least for me they do. They bitch and complain about oh so many things. I feel as if I can never truly live up to expected standards of people in my life. Despite the fact that I sadly live my life for others, they see me as an evil spell or some sort of negative note in a song.

People make me utterly depressed, and that being no one's fault, but my own. I let people have far too much importance in my emotions, which only leads to pure devastation and depression for me. I know this and I am completely aware of it. I am not in denial. I chose to live such life. However, a simple question comes to mind now, for how long? For how long shall I live such a life?

This question remains unsolved for I can't truly answer it. I do not why I let people get to me so. They have no idea what pain they cause me at times too. I can't help but dwell on the idea that there is a great possibility that these people whom I perhaps love more than I should, do not love or never will love me in the reciprocal manner. This is something I do not think I can bare to live with for much further.

I am not a perfect being of life, nor am I soul drenched in selfishness, but I am a person with feelings. I feel that I do not get the understanding of others that I should receive. Let me explain this even further, my education is my priority. I will sometimes pick it over going to concerts, parties, or any other social gatherings. When I decline an invite, I do not mean anything personal to those who invite me, but rather, education is my priority. However, I can't help, but believe people DO take it the wrong way. For this, I feel their friendship with me, is one sided. It is about them, and not enough about both of us. I feel I am being cheated and neglected with friendships among many. Or this can be a false image I've created in my narcism-filled mind. Whatever the truth may really be,  their actions confirm my ideas.

Everyday I live with such of burden. Everyday I question myself. The questioning remains endless. I can't help but feel so lost in such thoughts. All I know is that there are days where I feel nothing but hate from everyone, but there are days where I feel a slight sense of acceptance. There is never a full amount of acceptance for me. For my blunt like ways, my open mind, and my organized priorities seem to create reasons for others to hate me. This bothers me so.

I love myself for such qualities. I've come to a point in my life, where I've accepted myself, but since people matter way too much to me. I can't completely embrace it because I am hated for it.


Now comes to the question that haunts me the most, and perhaps is causing the most damage, why am I not loved and accepted for me?

I can't help but feel like I am breaking down a bit more each day when this question arises.